Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
