so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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