the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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