So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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