i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think your dad took our porno
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
