If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
