my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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