We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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