i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
