there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
