He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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