what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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