Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
