i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just googled if crying burns calories
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
