I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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