why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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