Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize