dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
