i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
