that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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