I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
