Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
