I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
