obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize