rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
false alarm. still invincible.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
