remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
