I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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