I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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