My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
