If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
