I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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