So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
