We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize