meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
