If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
