got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
