apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
