My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
