Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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