she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
