I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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