Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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