How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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