You made me cry and you don't even care
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
