He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
