I just saw a hot homeless man
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
