I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
