Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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