After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
either way he was missing a nipple.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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