the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You pole danced in your parka.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize