if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
