Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
