P.S. I can't hear my feet
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
