He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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