I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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