So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
