You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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