Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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