the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
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