and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
