I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
