The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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