im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
