I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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